Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?