Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose