me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
With a text.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.