me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
You Might Also Like
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.