Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once