Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The news
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket