Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off