Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
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Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”