ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me if I was a dog
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.