Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *