Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Please do it!

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

pictures of spider-man

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap