Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?