Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
girls literally only want one thing..
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.