Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

HERE’S MARKY

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.