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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Okay this one takes it home
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶