ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I’m aging like a fine banana
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.