Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
When they try to steal your moment.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first