Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
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A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
🤣🤣🤣
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.