Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

It kinda feels like this rn

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.