Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.