Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

Customer is always right

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.