Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*