@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

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@Mom_Overboard

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@13spencer

Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”

@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@ObscureGent

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@jwoodham

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”

@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..