[on Dating Game]
HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?
[I glance at the stains on my shirt]
ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I have the reflexes of a cat, but like if it was stoned.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
everyone: mirror selfies!
lana: *slowly removing name tag*
Its not pretty being easy.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?