me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
You Might Also Like
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear