I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..