Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?