Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?