Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

New nose

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

🔦🌙👣

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer