ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
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surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Steam Forums
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Need this in my life lol
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.