Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Anarchy
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
