me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
men, we mow at sunrise.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.