Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

😂😂

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion