Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

are they though??

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Probably my best painting.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-