Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

You sure about that?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

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