ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.