ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Sheep
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.