ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
An odd boast
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My Plans 2020
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.