Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.