Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

SF is the wild wild west man

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.