Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
For anyone who needs this today
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.