Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight