Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The glockness monster
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Wednesday
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie