Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
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“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
We avoided this particular disaster
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
*swipes right on my hand mirror
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety