Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.