Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop