Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.