Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

thinking about a very short hotdog

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

courtroom exchange of the day

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

For anyone who needs this today

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”