me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.