Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.