Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.