ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
You Might Also Like
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring