ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Got ya covered
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
all bases covered
Perfect.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9