Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.