me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
So glad we cleared that up
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.