Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”
*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Friend: what’s it like having kids?
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Husband: *is grumpy*
Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed
6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Her: I’m going to the gym
Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine