me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life