me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”


Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.


Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”


Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.


Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows


*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*


Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.