@handsock_butts

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

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@Wine_honey1

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@shutupmikeginn

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

@NewDadNotes

Friend: what’s it like having kids?

Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.

Friend: that’s not so bad.

Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.

@moooooog35

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

@LostFelicia

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

@TheRealPalMal

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

@not_thenanny

Husband: *is grumpy*

Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed

6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?

@WheelTod

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine