me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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I hope they boil the right one.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
PARKOUR
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read