Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.