Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

If I ignore life will it go away?

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁