Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again