Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Math at Halloween.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

they see me scrollin

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating