Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

*pronounces patio like ratio

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.