Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

I want what they have

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango