Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
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doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Autocorrect completely socks
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?