Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Proctology is located in A55
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.