Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia