Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.