Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Yep.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up