Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.