Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
tell em, edith-anne
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Is fructose made with real fruct?