@Kinglrg_

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

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@7_Cents

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

@Staggfilms

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

@LinajkReturns

Talking with a 17 year-old who is ‘living life with no regrets’ reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

@IoriKusano

the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying

@mrtruthandsoul

How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

@tsm560

Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet