Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

You Might Also Like


Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*


Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.


My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.


Talking with a 17 year-old who is ‘living life with no regrets’ reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.


ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.


the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying


How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?


Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet