Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Worst bar ever.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy