Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.