me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
This is me 🤣🤣
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Personal question. #JustSaying
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Meow
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down